Isen lossnar

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooaaaaiiii! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOÖÖÖÖÖAAAIII!

 

Våren rinner till! Isen lossnar! Det hörs ett fantastiskt kraftfullt dånande ljud när den bryter loss och vattnets fors i Umeälven tar den ut på äventyr.

Känslomässigt lossnar det mycket inom mig också nu i vårsolens tid. Eller som jag fick veta här om veckan – Vårvinterns tid som det kallas här uppe i norr, i gammal samisk tradition.

Nu skriver jag på svenska för jag är ju i Sverige nu och vårruset och Vårfrun ville liksom komma ut på mitt sanna urkraftskvinnospråk. Hon vill vårskrika i skogen och stå vid älven och lossa med isen. Hon vill sitta och smälta vid en husvägg med smältvattnets droppande ljud i öronen. Hon vill ha färger på alla påskäggen, tulpaner och påskliljor på bordet och altaret! Hon vill ta av sig naken i solskenet och dansa vilt omkring och ta in solen i varenda cell nu när vintern äntligen tycks ge med sig!

Håret flyger i  varma vårvinden, lusten återvänder. Livet. Hoppet. Glädjen. Kraften.

Vårgudinnan, snälla fyll mig med vilt älvvatten så att det rinner över till allt som behöver kraft i mitt liv. Fyll mig med din sol så att det strålar ut ny energi till de situationer som är  jobbiga just nu för mig personligen och för världens alla människor. Käraste Vårfru, sprid kraft och kreativitet och växande till alla goda idéer som kan förändra denna jord till en mer harmonisk planet. Påminn oss om naturens skönhet och gåvor när vi ser alla knoppar och blommor öppna sig för oss. Påminn oss om dess skörhet- när vi ser frosten bita till så att de små blommorna som hade lite brått faller ner och dör. Var med oss nu i våren när vi går ut för att skapa nytt, håll oss i handen och och le! Spring med oss i skogen där all små vårfåglar sjunger.Vi har längtat efter dig!

Nu är solens tid och färgernas tid för mig. Jag har just klätt ett påskris med färglada ägg tillsammans med Maui och klätt om mitt altare i glada färger.  Ägget- symbolen för det nya livet. Det känns så fint och spännande. Vad skall detta år ge? Vilka äventyr skall växa fram nu i solen?

Det har också varit en tuff tid för mig nu personligen med många utmaningar och känslostormar inuti. Jag skall försöka se dem som vårvindar friska, alla dessa känslor. De blåser mig ren så att jag kan ta in det nya som kommer. Jag är trött och sliten och ledsen, precis som ett träd som stått tung med snö hela vintern. Men saven börjar rinna åter igen. Och visst kan det göra lite ont när knoppar brister.

Mina kära vänner. Jag önskar er en strålande vår. Jag önskar er härliga vårskrik. Jag önskar er tankar, känslor, handlingskraft som lossnar och flödar med full kraft. För det är livet som gör sig påmint. Det härliga fulla livet som åter igen tar fart.

Varma vårkramar

från mig i Gudinnetempelrummet i vita villan, Umeå

Camilla

Dreaming forth the new Life

Hello winter world!

The process of moving and creating a new life is not always easy. That is something I have learnt during the last few months. In the darkest time of the year, me and my family moved from England to the northen part of Sweden, to Umeå. With a new born baby and a vomiting son in the car we finally reached Sweden and the start of a new chapter in our lives. We even ended up in hospital on the way because Maui got dehydrated from being sick! It was the most horrible car journey of my Life.

I was trying look deeper at the whole process in between my great efforts in catching the vomit in plastic bags in the car. Maybe to truly be open to start a new life we need to cleanse ourselves from the old. Maybe we need to be as pure as possible to be able to recieve the new. Pure, just like the new born babies coming to earth or like the trees letting go of all their leaves, standing naked for a while before the new spring comes along. I tried to see Mauis sickness as a cleansing process for the whole family. I tried to think of what I needed to let go of to create a better and more fulfilling life for myself. It was in the darkest time of the year, when everything is shaken to death in nature, that we traveled. That was a great mirror.

When we got across the water to Denmark everything was white! I felt like a switch was turned on and the winter suddenly arrived. Here in my new homeland, in Umeå, the winter is long and beautiful. Winter has many gifts. This time a year is great for visions and for dreaming. With the crystal clear and snowy white winter days here, it is easy to find peace and clarity within. The earth with all her Life force and growth power is resting under a white, soft blanket of snow. If I only give myself time to connect to Her and to look within, this is a time to find stillness and wisdom from the inside. ( Not always easy to do with a house full of unpacked boxes!) Everything on the outside is resting.

I have created a new vision board a while ago filled with my dreams and hopes for my new Life and now I dive deeper into it to see if there is more I can hope for. Creating a board like this is a great way of focusing on the things that we truly need and long for in our lives. Looking at it every now and again gives me power and a sense of direction.Usually it does not take too long before the dreams are starting to come true. And they do so in magical ways!  Once I made a vision board full of dolphins, an island in the ocean and a lover. I thought it was a bit too good to become true. A few month later I met a man that I fell in love with who spent his winters on Hawaii. I found myself on the island not long after that, swimming with dolphins! I could never have planned for this to happen but I do think that having a deep contact with my longings made me see this path easier. That having this vision board made me say YES right when I saw a way to get there! So whatever you do, keep the contact with your dreams alive. It is a great key to success! All you need to make a vision board is a big sheet of paper, pens, paints, crayons. Use what you like. You can also  make a collage of pictures from magazines or photos. Give yourself a few hours in peace to really get in to it. I find it good to do an inner journey or guided meditation to look a little bit deeper at my life and longings before I start. Sometimes I dance too because that helps me feel more in contact with my inner world. Then I sit down and start creating. Sometimes I use pictures only, sometimes I write too. All my boards are unique. If you use words, make sure you write as if you already have got what you long for. So instead of writing ” I want a new beautiful house” write ” I now live in this beautiful new house”. It helps you to put the focus on already having this instead of just wanting it! The only recomendation otherwise is “go with what feels good to you”. That is where you have the best flow, and things will come out easily, right from the heart. So get started! Your dreams are waiting for you to catch up!

So this is the beginning of 2013. It is a great time to start good habits for the new year. One good habit that I am taking up again, after a long break around our moving process, is dancing in the morning! It is the best start of the day for me. I have about one hour to my self. No children, just me and the Goddess. I put on music that I love and let myself be led by Her. Sometimes I go fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes I need to pray and talk to the Goddess. Sometimes I need to lay down and just breathe. I light candles for our great Mother Earth at my main altar and I light one candle for the Goddess of the season and reflect around the gifts and challenges with this time a year. It is an hour of connection with Goddess and with Her in me. An hour to be with the depth of my being. Usually I end the session with drawing some inspirational cards for the day from one of my many card decks. This morning ritual is my way of purifying and cleansing and grounding myself for the new day. I feel connected and filled with life force as the day continues.

So dear friends. Keep dreaming. Keep the contact with the magic within you alive. Purify yourselves and stand like the trees in winter. Naked. Naked to recieve the new Life that wants to live through you!

I will do my best among my boxes of stuff, my children, my many things to do. It is worth it!

Wintersong blessings!

Camilla

 

Goddess in death and birth

Autumn is here. Leaves in golden yellow and orange are turning more and more brown. The darkness is embracing us earlier and earlier in the afternoon. Death is all around us in the plant world and we are celebrating Samhain, an old Gaelic tradition meaning the end of harvest or summer. This is the season to connect to death, to our ancestors. Those who have walked this earth but have crossed the line to live in other dimensions.  It is the season to look at our feelings about death, our own death and how we feel about others dying around us. Does it feel ok to let go when time comes or are you scared? To look at death also makes us appreciate all that we have in Life, all that we love and want more of . So one can really see Samhain as a celebration of Life too!! In this season it is great to focus on and release the things we want to let go of in our lives to make room for new seeds, new Life, to sprout.

For me Autumn is truly a time to let go. And to let go is to let Goddess take over completely. To give yourself over to Her power of transformation. Just like the falling leaves and seeds I want to fall into the arms of the Goddess and be held by her in the dark winter. I want to snuggle up on the couch, under warm blankets, light candles, write in my dairy, reflect on my life and the year that has passed. And also see the new seeds that have come out of this years harvest, the new seeds I want to grow for next year.

In the Goddess tradition that I am studying now, Samhain is the end of the year and also when the new year starts. The new year and new life starts in the darkness, with resting and being held. It starts with the dreams we have and the thoughts of intention, our seeds, being thrown out to the universe, and into the earth, to manifest. Not every seed, every dream turns out to actually grow and become true when the warmth and light comes to wake them in early spring. But I do believe that the ones that are meant to manifest will! The ones we give our love and caring attention to will have a great chance of becoming all that they are meant to be!

I just gave birth to my second child, my daughter Iona. It was the most beautiful experience I have had in Life. And it was the most powerful experience of letting go. I had to surrender completely to my body and trust in my ability to birth. I felt like I was giving myself over to a power much greater than me, to the Goddess. Yet that power was within ME, working through me. I had to release all my fear to be able to be relaxed, open, and not in a lot of pain. I prayed to Goddess to hold me and I called out  “MAAAAMMAAA” a lot because that made me feel safe and held by her, my mother and the great mother. When I think about it now, this must be great practice to do before dying! Birth and death seems closely related. Both at the gateway of Life, just going in different directions.

Iona is a new seed I will focus a lot on in the coming year, and years! And here she is, resting in my arms, being nurtured and loved, to grow strong in her Life. She loves being close and wrapped up, just like the seeds in the earth. And she does not like to much light either! She mainly sleeps and eats.

Life is truly a miracle and so is death! So how can you embrace death, surrender, release and transformation more in your Life? What do you need to let go of to create the Life you want to live? Take a walk in nature and be inspired by the falling leaves and the smell of them being broken down into earth and compost for the new seeds.

Be embraced by the darkness, rest and take care of yourself! Dream and reflect on this years harvest in your life. See the seeds you want to grow for next year.

autumn goddess

And remember You are  always held in the arms of the Goddess.

Happy Samhain!

Love Camilla

Dedication ceremony – In the arms of the Goddess

On the final weekend of the first year of the training to becoming a Priestess of Avalon, a dedication ceremony takes place. A ceremony where we dedicate our lives to serve the Goddess as true sisters or brothers of Avalon. I will now share parts of that weekend with you!

                                                                     Mother Goddess

The BIG day had finally arrived and I had made the decision to go to Glastonbury even though my baby could be born at any day . I brought the family with me and also everything else I needed in case of having to go to hospital down there to give birth.

It really felt  important for me to go and be part of the powerful ceremony with the other sisters and brothers on the course. It felt important to, in that circle of people, dedicate my  service to the Goddess. She is truly the source of my existence and  all my creative expression and I wanted to commit myself to serve her on a deeper level. 

I thought for a while that I was crazy to gamble with my plans of having a peaceful home birth but then I realized that if the baby was to be born in Glastonbury, then that was the wish of the Goddess, or the wish of this soul coming to the world. It is indeed a sacred place to be born or reborn at.   

But that did not happen! 

What DID happen was this!

 up the hill                   

 

In the afternoon we walked up one of the sacred hills i the sunny autumn warmth with our wands that we created at spring equinox. The wand represents our own personal power and creative fire. We sat there overlooking the landscape around us holding our wands to the earth, connecting our power with the Goddess earthly energies. We were all in silence and just listened to Her speak to us about how each of us could serve Her in the best possible way. And She really did speak to me. Words of power that I will always remember. The main  theme of Her words was that I must share Her with the world and not keep Her to myself. The world needs Her  and I need to help people see and experience Her powers again.

 So here I am sharing my experience of Goddess with you to remind you of her presence and support!

The dedication ceremony was happening that night, out in nature, on the holy land of Avalon. As the sun was setting we all gathered dressed in our ceremonial  clothes that we had created  and gathered for this occasion. Clothes that would empower us to manifest all that we were willing to dedicate to the Goddess as her true sisters or brothers of Avalon. 

                          cermonial clothes                           

 

We went through the veil into the ceremonial space, into the void, led by a drumbeat, and everything that followed the coming 3 or maybe 4 hours was sacred. I can not reveil exactly what we experienced because I do not want to spoil the magic of the ceremony for people who might be taking on this path and do their dedication another year. All I can say is that I felt deeply held in the arms of the Goddess and in the arms of  the many Priestesses and Priests who where creating the ceremony for us . At one point I though that it would have been a perfect space to give birth to my baby. I could just relax into the unknown and be held, trusting that everything was taken care of. But this ceremony was for birthing myself into my new mission, into my service to the Goddess. It was wonderful to speak my words of dedication to an embodiment of the Goddess sitting in the circle. I spoke from my heart everything that I will be doing for Her now as a sister of Avalon and she was so happy hear it and gave me a big warm hug!

The power of ceremony struck me once again. A well created ceremony can really bring us into deep heeling and connection to our selves, our souls. It is a container to do deep work with our inner world as well as the outer. Together we are able to hold space for each other to dare to take new steps, to dare to see more of the truth. Magic takes place, time disappears and we feel reborn coming from the ceremony. I thought before I left home that I could just dedicate to the Goddess on my own, that it was between Her and me the dedication happened. But now I realize that it becomes real in a much more powerful way in the precense of a circle of people doing it together. Being witnessed  and supported by each other  gives it all another level of depth.  Also to have all the people there who have walked the path before us, the other Priestesses and Priests, was a big helping hand to step onto the path of being Her servant.

I walked from the ceremony with such an open heart and I really feel how I have dedicated my self deeply to do the things I have now promised to do.  And from now on ceremonies are not going to be something I do alone. It will be something I share with others, just like I will keep sharing the Goddess with the world! 

                                                                autumn berries

One thing I have now dedicated myself to create is a Goddess Temple in my new house in Umeå. And You are all welcome to enjoy this space when it is done. I am sure lots of magic will happen there. In the arms of the Goddess!

But now around the autumn equinox the energy moves more inwards, the darkness embraces us, the dreaming takes place. And I will think of the seeds that I am collecting from this bountiful year. I will write down my dreams, my new ideas and then let them rest and be held in the fertile dark earth until springtime wakes them to life. It feels like a very good time to birth my child. We can spend a lot of time just inside, cuddling under blankets, get to know each other in peace and quiet. I do love the  warming colours of autumn, lighting candles, make long phone calls to dear friends, watch good movies and read books. I welcome the rain, wind, and cold to strip me naked and bare like the trees, so that I can be fully open to the new that will arrive with next year.

Below is a picture of the birthing altar that I have created to empower me for birth. Filled with warm fire energy, positive affirmations and flow!

                                                                              birthing altarSo now I send You all some autumn blessings!

Love

Camilla

Lady of Lammas- The abundant Mother

Hello again all of you!

It has been a while now!

me in gold                 

Life is very intense for me at the moment. I am busy creating a baby. Now only 4 weeks until the due date and I feel more and more how I need to go within. I need to just rest and be with myself as much as possible. Gather my strength, find peace of mind and calmness in my body and my emotions. I prepare for the birth of my second child and I do plan on a homebirth in a birthing pool.

Right now in the season of Lammas I am filled with gratitude for all the gifts life and the Goddess gives me. This is a time to harvest the riches from this year. It has been a very fruitful year for me and I have written a long list of everything good that has happened to me and everything I have accoplished. Looking at the list I feel warm in my heart. Warm love for myself and for the Goddess who is with me in everything I do. I really recommend doing this for yourself. And write down all the little everyday things like ” I have cooked lovely food for my family”. You have done so much good and this is  a perfect time in the year to remind yourself of that. Thank your self and see all the big and small steps that you have taken on your path of living your dream. I promise you will feel so much better after doing this exercise and why not put the list somewhere where you can see it every day. To give you even more pleasure.

 In this season of harvest I eat a lot of berries from the garden and forest and see all the leaves, the grass and flowers turning a bit more yellow. The energy moves more within. Just like mine does. I am connected to the season. Me and the plants are dropping fruit and preparing the seeds for the next generation. Some have already fallen and some still have that journey to make. My little baby fruit is going to drop into my arms just when she is ripe and ready. I just have to hold and nourish her lika a mama tree for a little while longer. And when she has fallen she is not a fruit on my branch anymore. She will be a new seed that I need to tend to, feed and love so that she can grow and become all her potential.

I need good soil for her to cover up in to start with. She needs to feel safe and protected and not too exposed. Just like the seeds being held by mother earth. Soft light, candles, cushions, soft clothes and a lot of love! I am moving around the house now making it clean and warm for her arrival.  

At the start of Lammas I went to Glastonbury again for one of the Priestess weekends on my course. Following that was the yearly Goddess conference with the perfect theme of  “The Mother”. It was an amazing experience with people from all over the world.  All dressed in the color of the season, yellow and gold like the fields of grain. We danced, sang and held ceremonies. We got to listen to great talks and join workshops of all sorts concerning the Mother. I took every chance I had to focus on the actual birth of babies. And in one of the workshops all the women made me a birthing necklace to empower me during birth. They had all brought beads and put them on a string for me with a loving intention for the big day. I felt so blessed. The necklace is now part of my birthing altar that I have created in my room to help me focus on a gentle birth and my own strength. I also learned that spiraling your hips in birth is a great help for the  baby to come out smoothly. That is where the art of belly dancing comes from. Women learning to dance their babies out into the world! Taught by women to women. It had nothing to do with entertaining men! The spiral movement that is in everything in the universe from galaxies to our DNA strands  in our bodies is a powerful tool to use. And now I need to paint some spirals and put them on my birthing altar too! And dance dance dance. Spiral, spiral into the universe. Surrendering into existence. And my baby shall come into this world in peace with ease.

Here are some pictures from the conference.

Anique Radiantheart                         Mother Goddess

 

 

Belly of the mother                  Parade through the town

 

Sally Pullinger             up the hill

 

              altar

 Filled with abundance and gratitude I wish you a wonderful harvest time. 

Love

Camilla

Celebrating Love!

Beltane is here! The festival between spring Equinox and summer Solstice when the light increases each day and the growth on earth just explodes. Fruit trees are flowering in pink and white and flowers pop up everywhere here in England right now. The earth is fragrant and moist with all the rainfall that we have had. The green is intense on the trees and bushes. The sap is rising in animals too. I watched horses making love the other day and the birds are full of it!

It is the time for Love and sexuality, passion and sensuality. And we can all feel it. I am happier and have a lot of energy and lust for Life. I keep walking around with a smile on my face whenever I am outside because there is so much beauty!

I have just been on one of my Priestess training weekends down in Glastonbury. We were all dressed in red and dove deep into our sexual history and ourselves as sexual beings during the two days. I feel so empowered, healed and loved!

Sexuality is still something difficult for our culture to deal with I think. It should all still be hidden and done in privacy at home behind closed doors. Many of us do not really talk to even our friends about our sexual life. Yet it is so healing to do that, to share our history, our hurts, our joys and our sexual inspiration. It is when we do not talk to anyone that it can really go wrong. Because sexual energy is powerful and if we deal with it in a bad way we can hurt ourselves and others really deeply.

For me, a lot of healing has happened around my sexuality since I met my husband. We had a very passionate meeting and I am so glad for that because that love and deep attraction has helped me work on my wounds from other relationships. Through the first 6 months I had a hard time. (And I still do sometimes). I was often repeating old patterns from previous relationships when we made love. Patterns of just doing what I thought he wanted and giving up myself and my energy. But Kalle has been so good, just holding me while I have been crying. Just letting me be with all the pain and cry it out without seeing me as a victim, and with the ability to meet me on the other side in passion. And thank Goddess for that! Because it has opened up a new world for me of true lovemaking! And that is amazing!

On the 2:nd of May this week we celebrated 3 years anniversary since our big Love ceremony (our alternative wedding). We took the day off and dedicated it to our love. I cleaned the house and brought a lot of flowers in. We made lovely food and baked a cake. I made a beautiful altar in my Goddess room with photos of us, flowers and candles. We created a ceremony for our love and our relationship in there for about 3 hours, while Maui was sleeping.

We started off sitting down just gazing into each other’s eyes while listening to the love song that we feel is ”our song”. (We where both touched to tears). We shared our feelings around where our relationship is right now, where it has been and where we want to go with it. Then we read the love declarations (instead of vows) from the ceremony 3 years ago for each other again. And we discussed if there was anything we wanted to add or change now. It was all so beautiful. I cried about 20 times during the whole ceremony! We ended it all with talking about our future as a couple, what we want to explore and grow into. Doing this while we gave each other massage. We even managed to squeeze in a little lovemaking at the very end! And with this it was all complete! We are ready to meet another year, full of changes together. Stronger and more in touch with the connection we have and the importance of our relationship.

So remember to give your Love some real focus every now and again. Because what you focus on will grow and who does not want a lot of Love in Life??

Happy Beltane!

Love Camilla

Hello big Web world!

Here I am, jumping in to connect to the net of people with my new website. I am sitting in my Goddess room writing my first letter to you. The rain is pouring down my window, lovely music is coming from my CD player. My son is asleep.

It has been quite a process getting the website ready.  Let me share my journey with you. First of all it has been a great inner process because I was so afraid of doing this. I felt my art and ideas were not good enough to show like this and I have felt a lot of resistance all through the 9 months it has taken me to actually finish it. (Funny enough it took 9 month just like a human baby!) I was ashamed contacting David Roxendal at Rox Productions to help me design it. I thought he would laugh at me and my art and at my fear for dealing with computers. I was afraid of telling him what I thought about his design ideas when I did not like them. I thought I was a problem to him and yet I paid him to help me. I could not imagine showing everything to the world later on and tried not to think of that as I continued to work on the page, little by little. I told people I was creating a website to see how they would react, in case they thought I was insane! (Of course nobody did, not David either!)

But all through the process I had a deep sense of knowing that I just had to do this no matter how scared I was. This is what the Goddess or the flow in my Life wanted me to do right now, to keep evolving and growing. I have been feeling this so many times in Life before and know that if I do not follow, I get depressed. I look at depression like closing myself off in fear or pressing myself down into a box where nothing can grow. And who can flower in the dark? Only a certain amount of sprouting can happen there and eventually every seed has to meet the light to be able to grow.

It has been very powerful to let this journey take its time and not rush the process. Just like  a baby or seed can not be rushed to grow, neither could my website. Also I feel like the Goddess and her cycles of nature have helped me through it all. In abundant August when the earth was fruitful and rich I put all my paintings on the floor to be photographed and collected photos from everywhere that I wanted to include on the web page. Then as autumn came and with the death of Life around me I could work on letting  my fear of not being good enough go. Also I spent a lot of time indoors while it was cold a rainy outside writing the texts for the site. In the stillness of winter I did not do much, I just let the idea of me having a website sink deeper inside and I started to feel  that my work was worth showing. I accepted the new step in my Life that was soon coming! Now in full April bloom I feel ready to just burst open like all the nature around me. Open up and just share all I have got within me. Share what the special plant or flower that is me is all about! So this is the birthday of my own website and the birth of a new phase in my life, colourfulcamilla.com!

And as with every new step, or challenge I can overcome in  Life, I feel a lot stronger now.  I have learned so much going through with this. Now it´s time to celebrate!

I really hope that You will enjoy my site and that I can spread love and inspiration from Mother Earth, the Goddess, to all who are willing to receive!

Also I hope that You listen to that voice inside and take those steps that might frighten you so that you can keep growing on your paths. I hope that You show and share the amazing flowers you are with the world. All with different colours, shapes and fragnances but all so beautiful.

May the Goddess be with you and may you grow at your own pace!

Love Camilla