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Goddess in death and birth.
Autumn is here. Leaves in golden yellow and orange are turning more and more brown. The darkness is embracing us earlier and earlier in the afternoon. Death is all around us in the plant world and we are celebrating Samhain, an old Gaelic tradition meaning the end of harvest or summer. This is the season to connect to death, to our ancestors. Those who have walked this earth but have crossed the line to live in other dimensions. It is the season to look at our feelings about death, our own death and how we feel about others dying around us. Does it feel ok to let go when time comes or are you scared? To look at death also makes us appreciate all that we have in Life, all that we love and want more of . So one can really see Samhain as a celebration of Life too!! In this season it is great to focus on and release the things we want to let go of in our lives to make room for new seeds, new Life, to sprout.
For me Autumn is truly a time to let go. And to let go is to let Goddess take over completely. To give yourself over to Her power of transformation. Just like the falling leaves and seeds I want to fall into the arms of the Goddess and be held by her in the dark winter. I want to snuggle up on the couch, under warm blankets, light candles, write in my dairy, reflect on my life and the year that has passed. And also see the new seeds that have come out of this years harvest, the new seeds I want to grow for next year.
In the Goddess tradition that I am studying now, Samhain is the end of the year and also when the new year starts. The new year and new life starts in the darkness, with resting and being held. It starts with the dreams we have and the thoughts of intention, our seeds, being thrown out to the universe, and into the earth, to manifest. Not every seed, every dream turns out to actually grow and become true when the warmth and light comes to wake them in early spring. But I do believe that the ones that are meant to manifest will! The ones we give our love and caring attention to will have a great chance of becoming all that they are meant to be!
I just gave birth to my second child, my daughter Iona. It was the most beautiful experience I have had in Life. And it was the most powerful experience of letting go. I had to surrender completely to my body and trust in my ability to birth. I felt like I was giving myself over to a power much greater than me, to the Goddess. Yet that power was within ME, working through me. I had to release all my fear to be able to be relaxed, open, and not in a lot of pain. I prayed to Goddess to hold me and I called out “MAAAAMMAAA” a lot because that made me feel safe and held by her, my mother and the great mother. When I think about it now, this must be great practice to do before dying! Birth and death seems closely related. Both at the gateway of Life, just going in different directions.
Iona is a new seed I will focus a lot on in the coming year, and years! And here she is, resting in my arms, being nurtured and loved, to grow strong in her Life. She loves being close and wrapped up, just like the seeds in the earth. And she does not like to much light either! She mainly sleeps and eats.
Life is truly a miracle and so is death! So how can you embrace death, surrender, release and transformation more in your Life? What do you need to let go of to create the Life you want to live? Take a walk in nature and be inspired by the falling leaves and the smell of them being broken down into earth and compost for the new seeds.
Be embraced by the darkness, rest and take care of yourself! Dream and reflect on this years harvest in your life. See the seeds you want to grow for next year.
And remember You are always held in the arms of the Goddess.
Beltane is here! The festival between spring Equinox and summer Solstice when the light increases each day and the growth on earth just explodes. Fruit trees are flowering in pink and white and flowers pop up everywhere here in England right now. The earth is fragrant and moist with all the rainfall that we have had. The green is intense on the trees and bushes. The sap is rising in animals too. I watched horses making love the other day and the birds are full of it!
It is the time for Love and sexuality, passion and sensuality. And we can all feel it. I am happier and have a lot of energy and lust for Life. I keep walking around with a smile on my face whenever I am outside because there is so much beauty!
I have just been on one of my Priestess training weekends down in Glastonbury. We were all dressed in red and dove deep into our sexual history and ourselves as sexual beings during the two days. I feel so empowered, healed and loved!
Sexuality is still something difficult for our culture to deal with I think. It should all still be hidden and done in privacy at home behind closed doors. Many of us do not really talk to even our friends about our sexual life. Yet it is so healing to do that, to share our history, our hurts, our joys and our sexual inspiration. It is when we do not talk to anyone that it can really go wrong. Because sexual energy is powerful and if we deal with it in a bad way we can hurt ourselves and others really deeply.
For me, a lot of healing has happened around my sexuality since I met my husband. We had a very passionate meeting and I am so glad for that because that love and deep attraction has helped me work on my wounds from other relationships. Through the first 6 months I had a hard time. (And I still do sometimes). I was often repeating old patterns from previous relationships when we made love. Patterns of just doing what I thought he wanted and giving up myself and my energy. But Kalle has been so good, just holding me while I have been crying. Just letting me be with all the pain and cry it out without seeing me as a victim, and with the ability to meet me on the other side in passion. And thank Goddess for that! Because it has opened up a new world for me of true lovemaking! And that is amazing!
On the 2:nd of May this week we celebrated 3 years anniversary since our big Love ceremony (our alternative wedding). We took the day off and dedicated it to our love. I cleaned the house and brought a lot of flowers in. We made lovely food and baked a cake. I made a beautiful altar in my Goddess room with photos of us, flowers and candles. We created a ceremony for our love and our relationship in there for about 3 hours, while Maui was sleeping.
We started off sitting down just gazing into each other’s eyes while listening to the love song that we feel is ”our song”. (We where both touched to tears). We shared our feelings around where our relationship is right now, where it has been and where we want to go with it. Then we read the love declarations (instead of vows) from the ceremony 3 years ago for each other again. And we discussed if there was anything we wanted to add or change now. It was all so beautiful. I cried about 20 times during the whole ceremony! We ended it all with talking about our future as a couple, what we want to explore and grow into. Doing this while we gave each other massage. We even managed to squeeze in a little lovemaking at the very end! And with this it was all complete! We are ready to meet another year, full of changes together. Stronger and more in touch with the connection we have and the importance of our relationship.
So remember to give your Love some real focus every now and again. Because what you focus on will grow and who does not want a lot of Love in Life??
Here I am, jumping in to connect to the net of people with my new website. I am sitting in my Goddess room writing my first letter to you. The rain is pouring down my window, lovely music is coming from my CD player. My son is asleep.
It has been quite a process getting the website ready. Let me share my journey with you. First of all it has been a great inner process because I was so afraid of doing this. I felt my art and ideas were not good enough to show like this and I have felt a lot of resistance all through the 9 months it has taken me to actually finish it. (Funny enough it took 9 month just like a human baby!) I was ashamed contacting David Roxendal at Rox Productions to help me design it. I thought he would laugh at me and my art and at my fear for dealing with computers. I was afraid of telling him what I thought about his design ideas when I did not like them. I thought I was a problem to him and yet I paid him to help me. I could not imagine showing everything to the world later on and tried not to think of that as I continued to work on the page, little by little. I told people I was creating a website to see how they would react, in case they thought I was insane! (Of course nobody did, not David either!)
But all through the process I had a deep sense of knowing that I just had to do this no matter how scared I was. This is what the Goddess or the flow in my Life wanted me to do right now, to keep evolving and growing. I have been feeling this so many times in Life before and know that if I do not follow, I get depressed. I look at depression like closing myself off in fear or pressing myself down into a box where nothing can grow. And who can flower in the dark? Only a certain amount of sprouting can happen there and eventually every seed has to meet the light to be able to grow.
It has been very powerful to let this journey take its time and not rush the process. Just like a baby or seed can not be rushed to grow, neither could my website. Also I feel like the Goddess and her cycles of nature have helped me through it all. In abundant August when the earth was fruitful and rich I put all my paintings on the floor to be photographed and collected photos from everywhere that I wanted to include on the web page. Then as autumn came and with the death of Life around me I could work on letting my fear of not being good enough go. Also I spent a lot of time indoors while it was cold a rainy outside writing the texts for the site. In the stillness of winter I did not do much, I just let the idea of me having a website sink deeper inside and I started to feel that my work was worth showing. I accepted the new step in my Life that was soon coming! Now in full April bloom I feel ready to just burst open like all the nature around me. Open up and just share all I have got within me. Share what the special plant or flower that is me is all about! So this is the birthday of my own website and the birth of a new phase in my life, colourfulcamilla.com!
And as with every new step, or challenge I can overcome in Life, I feel a lot stronger now. I have learned so much going through with this. Now it´s time to celebrate!
I really hope that You will enjoy my site and that I can spread love and inspiration from Mother Earth, the Goddess, to all who are willing to receive!
Also I hope that You listen to that voice inside and take those steps that might frighten you so that you can keep growing on your paths. I hope that You show and share the amazing flowers you are with the world. All with different colours, shapes and fragnances but all so beautiful.
May the Goddess be with you and may you grow at your own pace!